Jammer's Jive

Sony Releases Stupid Piece Of Shit That Doesn't Fucking Work

2009-03-07T12:24:00.001-05:00

Perfect Response to the Palin Interview

2008-10-05T17:18:00.001-04:00

Pussy versus Printer

2008-09-19T07:15:00.001-04:00

If I Were Obama...

2008-09-07T08:20:00.004-04:00

Right now, the Obama Campaign doesn't seem to know what to do with Sarah Palin. Mostly, it seems they're going to ignore her and hope she goes away. Perhaps she will, but it's not likely. They seem to be afraid of attacking her, for fear of appearing sexist. But since she went so hard after Obama, I say, take the gloves off. If I were Obama, my response might go a little like this:

I've been a senator for 12 years -- 8 years in the Illinois Senate, 4 years in the U.S. Senate. And since my opponents seem to look down on that experience, let me explain to you what exactly it is a senator does...

It's kind of like being a small-town mayor. Except, instead of dealing with small problems like where to put a stop sign -- you deal with big problems like nuclear proliferation!

Instead of simply carrying out the laws passed by the city council -- you actually make the laws. You also have to make decisions -- like, whether to vote for or against something.

Before I was a senator -- not 20 months ago, but 20 years ago -- I was a community organizer. And since my opponents seem to look down on that experience, let me explain to you what exactly it is a community organizer does...

It's kind of like being the governor of a sparsely populated state. Except, instead of abusing your power to carry out personal vendettas against your relatives -- you use your energy to revitalize a community and get people back to work.

In closing, I'd like to tell a pre-scripted joke and pretend that I just came up with it on the spot -- you know, to appear more "folksy". Here goes:

What's the difference between a Hockey Mom and a United States Senator?

A United States Senator is qualified to be President of the United States.

Thank you and God Bless Our Troops.

She could be a heartbeat away...

2008-09-02T13:05:00.003-04:00

John McCain likes to fancy himself a maverick. He likes to portray himself as someone who isn't afraid to go against his own party on big decisions. But on his first presidential-level decision, the choice of a running mate, how did this supposed maverick operate?

Today's NY Times offers some telling insights. The Times reports he really wanted to pick Joe Lieberman as his running mate. When the Christian Conservative base of his party objected to the pick, what did this maverick do? He did what his party told him to do. He chose an Evangelical -- one that he had met exactly once before he interviewed her last week and offered her the job on the spot.

There is likely a lot more that we will learn about Sarah Palin in the next few weeks. But the choice itself has already taught us a lot about how McCain would make decisions as president.

Chase Utley You ARE The Man!

2008-07-15T10:28:00.001-04:00

Send Pat Burrell to his 1st All-Star Game

2008-07-06T17:04:00.000-04:00

Now, That's Talent!

2008-06-30T12:09:00.001-04:00

I Am The Walrus

2008-06-27T01:03:00.001-04:00

No idea if this is real or not, but it will make your day.

Strategery

2008-06-26T09:29:00.004-04:00

While watching cable news these days, do you ever start to wonder why, with a big election going on, there seem to be so many political strategists out of work? They must not have jobs because there they are, at all hours of the day and night, talking heads, commenting on every last twist and turn of the campaign. Isn't there some candidate out there, in need of their "strategery"?

Well, as this article shows us, they're not strategists at all!

Next up: The shocking news that "Dr. J" may not actually be a doctor!

George Carlin 1937-2008

2008-06-23T07:39:00.001-04:00

Just Do It

2008-06-04T12:30:00.002-04:00

Barack Obama has been the presumtive Democratic nominee for more than 12 hours now.

And he still hasn't named Hillary Clinton as his running mate.

What's he waiting for?

Picking her isn't just his best option. It's his only option. There are several good reasons why. Here are three:

1) Party unity. It's clear from the closeness of the contest that the party was sharply split. Picking her instantly brings everyone together and saves him from having to spend weeks, if not months, trying to woo her supporters.

2) It removes her as a threat. Let's say he wins without her. Would President Obama really want to have to deal with her in the Senate? The first time he'd need her help getting a piece of legislation passed, you know she'd give him a hard time. She would have no interest in seeing him succeed. Making her Vice President neutralizes her.

3) She's perfect for the job. Your V.P. needs to balance the ticket. He's an unknown with relatively little Washington experience. Therefore he needs a well-known brand name with experience. There are only two other household names in the Democratic party that he could choose, and they've both run for V.P. already (Al Gore & John Edwards). That leaves Hillary.

Having her on the ticket will also reassure people that he'll have an experienced hand by his side to help him learn the big job. Some say that adding a Clinton will detract from his stance as an outsider who will bring change. But having the ultimate insider (Dick Cheney) didn't hurt the "outsider" image of George W. Bush in 2000.

Finally, your V.P. candidate has to be a pitbull. While you rise above the name-calling, your running mate has to be out there slinging the mud. And we all know Hillary can be a nasty bitch when she wants to be.

So, Obama'd better pick her quick. Before McCain does.

Meet Your Future Robot Masters...

2008-05-14T21:50:00.002-04:00

I've said it before, I'll say it again: Robots will kill us all!

Sure, this clip of Honda's ASIMO conducting the Detroit Symphony is cute. But I can't help but think this little guy is one bad program away from being a Terminator-style instrument of death!

On Second Thought...

2008-04-29T11:49:00.007-04:00

In the past couple of days, I've had a startling realization: Barack Obama may actually be more electable if he actually was a Muslim.

By now, even idiots like this guy in South Carolina, who still bought the internet rumors about Obama, now realize he is a Christian. That's because the former pastor of his church, the Rev. Jeremiah Wright, has been on TV everywhere lately.

At first, I thought this might be a good thing. After all, I thought the whole "God Damn America" thing wasn't that big a deal. It was taken out of context and was simply an expression of anger over this country's past sins of racism and slavery. Maybe, I thought to myself, he could save everyone a lot of trouble he goes out and presents himself as a nice, rational, Jesus-loving patriot. I was hoping he could say something like: "I'm a former Marine who loves this country. Sure, sometimes I'm angry with this country and I express that anger in ways that I regret. But I hope God forgives me for my sins. And by the way, Barack is such a fine young man who loves this country, too. He'd make a great president." Did we hear anything like that? Nah.

Instead, his speeches and TV appearances have only dug him a deeper hole, and his crazy rants have let the whole world know that he is indeed a few cents short of a dollar.

When the controversy first erupted, Obama bravely and honorably, refused to disown the reverend. And how did Rev. Wright repay him? To use the oft repeated phrase, he threw him under the bus -- telling Bill Moyers that Obama was just saying what he had to say because he's a politician (in other words: He agrees with all of the crazy shit I say, he just can't admit it publicly). So, now Obama must hope that he can crawl out from under that proverbial bus, get behind the wheel of it, and back it over Wright. Over and over again. Until he's flattened. If he can't do that, Hillary might just pull this thing out after all.

In the meantime, maybe Obama's advisors should start those whispers again that Barack attended a madrassa.

While they're at it, they need to tell the guy to just go and put on a damn flag pin. Not since the Pledge Of Allegiance issue helped cost Michael Dukakis the White House 20 years ago has such an insignificant issue so threatened to impact a presidential campaign. Everyone really needs to cut this stuff out. Democrats, Republicans and Independents all have one thing in common: We all love this country. And let's all please recognize that serving your country by holding public office is about the most patriotic thing you can do.

Update: I doubt Mr. Obama is a regular reader of Jammer Jive, but shortly after I put this post up, he finally did what I (and about a billion TV pundits) suggested -- he laid the smackdown on the Rev. He once said he could no more disown Rev. Wright than he could his own grandmother. If that's so, then grandma better watch her back, because I'm pretty sure he just disowned the dude. Now, if he can just be as forceful with McCain and Clinton, then he might avoid blowing this thing.

My Favorite Song in the Universe (This Week)

2008-04-29T11:46:00.003-04:00

"Nine in the Afternoon"

Right now, I can't stop listening to this cheesy Sgt. Pepper-esque number by Panic at the Disco. Why? You could 'cause you can so you do.

The Truth Hurts

2008-04-15T11:18:00.003-04:00

It's happened again. Someone in this race is getting a ton of crap for saying something completely honest. It's a phenomenon I detailed in a previous post.

This time, Barack Obama is being forced to back-track after he was recorded saying that poor folks in small towns are "bitter" over their economic standing and that politicians manipulate these rural voters by using wedge-issues like gun control and gay marriage. He may have chosen his words clumsily, but many political observers feel his analysis was dead-on. Many credit George W. Bush's win in Ohio in 2004 to the gay marriage debate as well as John Kerry's ill-advised duck-hunting outing. It's also clear from the setting (a closed-door meeting) that Obama was saying what he really believed.

If we want politicians to stop lying to us, we shouldn't kick them every time they tell the truth. (Fortunately, it seems the controversy is having little effect on the polls.)

Obama is also taking heat for sounding "elitist". But I wondered why that was such a bad thing. After all, he is elite. That's why he's a plausible president. All three remaining candidates are members of our society's elite. Obama was President of the Harvard Law Review. Senator Clinton is a Yale Law grad. Senator McCain is a decorated war hero. They all represent the best and brightest we have to offer, and that's not a bad thing. I don't want a common person in the Oval Office. I want someone who's uncommon.

I was going to write a longer post about this, but then Jon Stewart went and said it much better than I could on his show last night (check out his commentary towards the end of the clip).

"West"-Case Scenario

2008-04-07T10:08:00.005-04:00

The Democratic Campaign has already started to seem a lot like an episode of "The West Wing" (okay, make that several episodes) and now, The New Yorker Magazine has gotten former "West Wing" producer Lawrence O'Donnell to script a resolution to this mess.

It's a fun read. Click here to check it out.

The Best Day Of The Year...

2008-03-30T18:47:00.002-04:00

The Major League Baseball Season (continental U.S. version) begins in just a few hours, so it's time to make my picks (for what it's worth, last year I correctly picked 5 of the 8 playoff teams and the AL champ).

Here goes:

NATIONAL LEAGUE

East - Phillies
Central - Cubs
West - D-Backs
Wild Card - Mets

Division Series - Mets over Cubs, Phillies over D-Backs
NLCS - Phillies over Mets

AMERICAN LEAGUE

East - Yankees
Central - Tigers
West - Angels
Wild Card - Red Sox

Division Series - Tigers over Red Sox, Angels over Yankees
ALCS - Tigers over Angels

World Series - Tigers over Phillies

Honestly!

2008-03-21T12:00:00.003-04:00

If you ask most people what characteristics they'd like in a politician, they're most likely to say they'd like someone who's honest. Yet, several times in recent weeks, honest words have gotten some political figures in big trouble.

The most recent example of this came yesterday, after Barack Obama was interviewed by Philadelphia sports-talk radio station WIP. He was responding to a question about his Tuesday speech on race, a speech which won praise from conservatives such as Peggy Noonan.

Refering to a passage in the speech that referenced his own white grandmother and her prejudice, Obama said that "The point I was making was not that my grandmother harbors any racial animosity, but that she is a typical white person. If she sees somebody on the street that she doesn't know - there's a reaction in her that's been bred into our experiences that don't go away and sometimes come out in the wrong way and that's just the nature of race in our society."

His words caused political commentators to start foaming at the mouth, and Obama quickly back-tracked. Yet, if most white people were totally honest about themselves, they would admit what Obama said was the absolute truth. Most white people are aware of negative stereotypes about African-Americans. That doesn't mean they believe them -- the vast majority thankfully do not. But most white people would also be lying if they said that never in their lives did those stereotypes flash through their mind -- even for a split second -- while walking down an urban street late at night. He wasn't saying the "typical white person" is racist. He was saying we all have stereotypes in our minds that we have to get past. It was an uncomfortable but honest truth.

On the Clinton side, honest talk got Geraldine Ferraro in trouble as well. When she said: "If Obama was a white man, he would not be in this position. And if he was a woman (of any color) he would not be in this position" -- she suddenly found herself in the middle of a shitstorm. Now, I'll admit, this was an incredibly stupid thing to say, coming from someone who never would've been the Democratic Vice Presidential nominee in 1984 if she were a man. However, I have to give her credit for saying something that is absolutely true. If Barack Obama were white, he simply would not be seen as being as unique as his supporters perceive him to be. People are attracted to his candidacy because he is seen as different. Part of the reason that he is seen to embody change so well, is his diverse ethnic background.

So, Geraldine Ferraro told the truth -- and got fired from the Clinton campaign for it. And Barack Obama uttered an uncomfortable fact of life -- and got criticized for it.

Americans say they want honesty. But I'm not so sure they're honest about that.

Campaign Digest

2008-03-15T10:25:00.003-04:00

In today's round-up of interesting campaign articles:

A look at Barack Obama's trouble with Jewish voters.

Obama himself blogs about his pastor.

A Hillary supporter gets fed up with her tactics.

Brace yourself, Glen Beck actually writes something that I (gasp) kind of agree with.

Pennsylvania doesn't look good for Obama, but North Carolina looks better.

(Thanks to my buddy in SF for passing some of these along.)

Interesting Reading

2008-03-07T10:41:00.003-05:00

If you're scouring the web looking for stuff about the presidential race, here are some good sites to check out today:

Think Hillary really won Texas? Think again. Consortiumnews.com shows you why Obama may have been the real winner.

Larry David has an interesting take on the "3am Phone Call" ad over at the Huffington Post.

And Charles Hurt has out interesting idea about who the next president might be (hint: it's not anyone who's running right now).

SurveyUSA also has a look at how the Electoral College map looks right now for both Obama and Clinton. Both win -- but in different ways.

The Biggest Tuesday Since The Last Big Tuesday

2008-03-04T10:59:00.002-05:00

It should be an interesting night. We should find out whether this Winter's hottest TV drama, Survivor: The Democratic Party, is about to be canceled -- or if it will get picked up for another six weeks. A couple months ago, I wrote that it wouldn't be a bad idea to turn the race into a reality show. Little did I know it was about to happen.

We all thought this thing would be over the night of the New Hampshire Primary. Then, we thought, surely Super Tuesday will decide this thing. No such luck. So, I've got a hunch these latest "decisive contests" will be just another chapter in a very long book. We'll see.

* * *

I've said here before that I admire Obama a lot, but I have to admit, every time I hear him speak, I start to hear this song playing in my head.

The Suspense Is Over

2008-02-29T11:56:00.002-05:00

Diebold Accidentally Leaks Results Of 2008 Election Early

Life Imitates Flick

2008-02-28T18:24:00.004-05:00

Alexander Payne's brilliant 1999 film, Election has long been one of my favorites. If you haven't seen it, rent it immediately. Watching the debate the other night, it occurred to me that the film's storyline was playing out in real life:

A driven young woman's dreams of becoming Student Body President are suddenly threatened when a popular -- though less qualified -- student enters the race.

A video making the rounds on the web shows I wasn't the only one to notice the similarity:

Oscar Picks

2008-02-24T13:48:00.002-05:00

I don't remember ever being this uninterested in an Oscar race. Maybe it's because I've seen so few of the nominated films. Maybe it's because it seemed for a long time that the show might not happen at all this year.

Nevertheless, here's my take on the Best Picture race:

"No Country For Old Men" -- This is the obvious front-runner. It won the DGA award, which almost always mirrors the Best Director Oscar, which almost always mirrors the Best Picture Winner. But I just don't get it. I thought the first two-thirds of this movie were amazing. It was some of the most gripping, suspenseful filmmaking I'd ever seen, and Javier Bardem's bad guy was about the scariest villain ever (he made Hannibal Lecter look like the Easter Bunny). But the movie comes to a sudden, thoroughly unsatisfying climax -- off screen -- then sputters around for about 20 minutes before abruptly stopping. I like ambiguous endings as much as anyone other pretentious film geek, and I understand the Coens were just being faithful to the book. But I don't think anyone would've minded if they'd tweaked things just a bit to give us an ending worthy of all the drama that came before it.

"There Will Be Blood" -- As much as I love movies based on muckraking novels about the early days of the oil industry (heck, who doesn't?) I somehow didn't find the time to see this one. But I could tell from the trailer alone that Daniel Day-Lewis will in the Best Actor Oscar.

"Michael Clayton" -- A good, solid movie about a scumbag lawyer who suddenly develops a conscience (obviously, this is a work of science fiction). It had a clever, satisfying ending, too (Coen brothers, take note).

"Atonement" -- Didn't see this one either, but from the title, it must be about Yom Kippur. The Purim-based film "For Your Consideration" didn't win anything last year, so this one will go home empty-handed as well.

"Juno" -- Far and away the best movie in the category. It made you laugh, it made you cry, it had great performances and had some of the most original dialogue ever. This is the one film that will stand the test of time. It doesn't stand a chance.

Here are my predictions in the major races:

Best Actor - Daniel Day-Lewis (There Will Be Blood)
Best Actress - Julie Christie (Away From Her)
Best Supporting Actor - Javier Bardem (No Country For Old Men)
Best Supporting Actress - Ruby Dee (American Gangster)
Best Original Screenplay - Juno (Diablo Cody)
Best Adapted Screenplay - No Country For Old Men (Joel & Ethan Coen)
Best Director - No Country For Old Men (Joel & Ethan Coen)
Best Picture - No Country For Old Men

Saturday Night Lame

2008-02-24T13:40:00.003-05:00

Is America ready for a black president? Maybe. But we now know who isn't ready: Saturday Night Live.

On their first show back from the writer's strike, and their first since Barack Obama became the Democratic front-runner, the show opened with a sketch about this week's debate. There had been much speculation about who would portray Obama.

The answer: a white guy.

Now, Darrell Hammond (white guy) has played Jesse Jackson on the show for years, but his impression is so flawless that no one seems to mind. But Fred Armisen's take on Obama was just painful.

300 million American's and they couldn't find one black guy funny enough to do Obama on SNL? Lame.

Proving Me Wrong

2008-02-23T10:21:00.005-05:00

Not to brag or anything, but I've correctly predicted the outcome of every presidential election in my adult life.

In the Summer of 1991, at age 17, a few months after the first Gulf War, I remember sitting with my family in a rented house at the Jersey Shore. The talk turned to politics. At the time it seemed George H.W. Bush, riding high following the successful conflict, would win again easily. But a different thought had been going through my head, and I was ready to make my pronouncement: a young, good-looking, moderate Southern Democrat could send Bush packing. At the time, I said, the man that would beat him was Al Gore. While that's not exactly what happened (it turned out Gore would have some other guy on the ticket with him), I gave myself credit for being a junior Nostradamus. After all, the prediction proved technically true.

Once Bill Clinton was in office, I told everyone I knew that this guy would be a two-termer. Check.

That brings us to 1998, and a young governor from Texas was rising to national prominence. Buzz began to build that George W. Bush would try to win his dad's old job. Something told me, this was going to happen. I made the case to a friend of mine who thought President Gore was inevitable. This Bush guy is like a Republican version of Clinton, I argued. He's likeable, more style than substance. He's a moderate (hard to believe, but we all thought that at the time). He's not a scary right winger -- this "compassionate conservative" thing will really sell. He's more charismatic than Gore and, all things being equal, people will be ready to change parties in the White House.

Now, we all know what happened in the fall of 2000. I still have my doubts over who really won that election. But we all know who moved into 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. Check.

A few days after 9/11, there was Bush standing on a pile of rubble at Ground Zero with a bullhorn in his hand. For the first, and only time anyone can remember, he actually said something clever, spontaneous, and succinctly moving. When the crowd complained they couldn't hear him, he responded, "I can hear you, the rest of the world can hear you and the people who knocked these buildings down will hear from all of us soon." I got chills. I knew right then and there the guy was going to get a second term. Check.

That brings us to 2005. I'm sitting in diner in Towson, Maryland, visiting my brother. Being so close to DC, he had attended a previous presidential inauguration, and somehow the topic turned to how cool it would be to attend the next one. Just who did I think would be the one getting sworn-in, he asked.

I had been bouncing this question around in my mind since the previous fall, but when I opened my mouth, I sounded absolutely certain: It would be Hillary Clinton, of course.

I told him the reason was simple: name recognition. The fact she's so unpopular won't be a problem. George W. Bush proved you could get to 270 electoral votes, even if half of the country hates you. I'm never wrong about these things, I reminded him. I had made my call, and I was sticking to it.

Of course, my prediction was partly based on my belief that she would win the Democratic nomination in a cake walk. But I hadn't factored in one thing. I hadn't factored in Barack Obama.

Sure, I thought the guy had enormous potential. His keynote address at the 2004 convention in Boston was one of the best political speeches I had ever heard. But I didn't think he'd run for the top job so soon. After he drew huge crowds while stumping for fellow Democrats in the 2006 mid-term elections, it became apparent that he would try to strike while the iron was hot.

Still, I thought his lesser name recognition (and his name itself) would be a serious obstacle, as would his lack of experience. Then Oprah stepped in and solved the first problem. The woman, who can turn an obscure author into a best-seller overnight, turned Obama immediately into a top tier candidate when she endorsed him early on.

Obama has answered the experience question all by himself. What few people realize is that running for president, in and of itself, makes you much more qualified to be president. For starters, the debates force these guys to hit the books and become experts on all of the big issues. But more importantly, running a presidential campaign is a good test of a person's executive skills. Building a national campaign organization and making strategic campaign decisions shows what kind of leader they would be. (We never got to see how Al Gore would function as president, but I have often thought that his decision making during the Florida recount offered good insight into how he would have handled a crisis -- the outcome speaks for itself.)

If Obama's campaign shows he would be a smart chief executive who could outmanuver more experienced opponents, then Clinton's campaign shows just the opposite about her. The decision to essentially concede most of the caucus states and to not plan for any contests after February 5th are just two examples of the poor decision making by the team she assembled.

But that's not why she's on the verge of losing. I think it has a lot more to do with a yearning by the public to have a leader who can bring us all together. For much of the past 16 years, we've had a president who was hated by about half of the country. The GOP despised Clinton, and we all know the road that eventually led them down. Democrats feel the same way about W. As I noted before, being a divisive figure doesn't necessarily prevent you from winning elections. But I don't think the situation is very healthy for democracy. Having everyone hate each other so much, for so long, is exhausting

The junior Senator from New York vastly underestimated the country's yearning for something completely different. With his soaring rhetoric and his freshness, Obama has given people something to vote for instead of something to vote against. Because most people know so little about him, people can more easily project their hopes and desires onto him.

To combat this new phenomenon, the Clintons are using an old playbook. They're using tired old moves that everyone has seen before. The voters now see through their tactics, and history has shown negative attacks won't work against a candidate that voters want to like. (See: Ronald Reagan)

Obama filled an NBA arena to the rafters the other night. In Texas. A red state. He's proving he's a leader by the sheer fact that people are following him. And it takes a leader to get things done. If you really want to change things, you need an electoral mandate and broad coalition of support. Obama is the first Democrat in a long time with the potential to win more than 50% of the vote. Plus, the guy's been endorsed by everyone from Hulk Hogan to Garrison Keillor. If that's not a broad coalition, I don't know what is.

A few months or years ago, predicting a Hillary Clinton presidency didn't exactly require anyone to go out on a limb. Now, it does. Obama is well on his way to proving me and a vast majority of others wrong. And I don't think it's such a bad thing.

The Wrath of Kyle

2008-02-19T11:27:00.002-05:00

Recently punk'd Phillies pitcher, Kyle Kendrick got his revenge this morning on the Today show. He appeared alongside fellow hurler Brett Myers who, this weekend, masterminded a plot to convince young Kendrick he'd been traded to Japan. Watch video of the prank here.

Myers is still chuckling about it, but this morning, Kendrick seemed to get the last laugh, thanks to help from teammate, Shane Victorino.

Watch the clip:

Miami Mess

2008-02-18T11:18:00.005-05:00

Okay, so I realize I'm about two years late on this one, but I finally got around to seeing the movie version of Miami Vice. (It was on late-night cable this weekend.) Man, it was TERRIBLE.

First of all, whose idea was it to give Sonny Crockett a porn-mustache? The only thing worse than Colin Farrell's facial hair is his acting. He makes Don Johnson look brilliant by comparison. And that's no easy task. The female lead, Gong Li, is even worse. Her English is so bad, I was crying out for subtitles. Memo to Michael Mann: When you can't understand anything one of the major characters is saying, it's a little hard to follow the plot. Oh, and it would also help if the actress playing her had an ounce of chemistry with her co-star.

Also, as someone who lived in Miami for a long time, the movie's blatant errors in geography really bugged me. In one scene, Crockett and Tubbs are talking on the phone with someone as they are shown driving eastbound on the Macarthur Causeway towards Miami Beach. Midway through the conversation, they are suddenly heading North on Brickell near downtown. Even if Miami traffic weren't a nightmare, this would be impossible to do in the course of one brief phone call.

And don't get me started on the final shootout, in which it seems about 10,000 rounds are fired before anyone gets hit or anyone reloads. I started wishing Elvis, Sonny's pet alligator from the TV show, would just show up and eat everyone.

Pitcher Punk'd

2008-02-18T11:07:00.001-05:00

If the Philadelphia Phillies are feeling uptight about their quest to repeat as National League Eastern Division Champions, they're not letting it show. They're so loose that this weekend, the team pulled an extremely elaborate prank on second-year pitcher Kyle Kendrick. He was told he was traded to Japan. (Nevermind that such trades aren't even allowed.) Everyone was in on it: the Assistant GM, the manager, all of the players, even the media. The poor kid bought it hook, line and sinker.

Cat Couch Potato

2008-01-11T11:13:00.001-05:00

Is This Any Way To Pick A President?

2008-01-03T10:46:00.000-05:00

The presidential nominating process for 2008 formally begins tonight with the Iowa Caucus, but it already seems like these candidates have been around forever. The hopefuls have all been at this for about a year (except for Fred Thompson, who is probably just waking up from a nap right about now). We'll have to wait almost another whole year to finally find out which one of them will actually become the 44th President of the United States.

This process is way too long. In a society that likes instant coffee and instant popcorn and instant replay, why do we put up with a campaign that lasts half the length of a presidential term? And why do we let two small states -- with populations that are 95% white -- play such a pivotal role in narrowing down our choices?

It's easy to see why it's gotten to this point. Other states try to leapfrog over Iowa and New Hampshire, so those two states keep pushing their caucuses and primaries earlier and earlier. Successful campaigns need to buy a ridiculous amount of TV air time, so candidates need to start raising money early and often. The result is a two year process. The longer the race gets, the more money candidates have to spend. That means the eventual winner is always someone who has raised obscene amounts of money from special interests. So, in the end, the new president is beholden more to the people who financed their campaign than to the people they are supposed to serve.

There has got to be a better way.

Do we really need to have these primaries a few states at a time? I know a lot is made of the "retail politics" in Iowa and New Hampshire. But in this internet age, do we really need to have each candidate personally visit us in our living room in order to make up our minds? If people can find the love of their lives on internet dating sites, surely we can pick a president via YouTube. So, step one isn't to just let one or two other states go early. The answer is to let every state hold their presidential primaries on the same day.

Now, I realize that a national primary would be a mess with seven or eight candidates running for each party's nomination. So, we need a mechanism to narrow down our choices. That's where my second bold idea comes in: Hold the conventions before the primaries. In fact, let the conventions be the starting point for the whole process.

Imagine: In early June during the presidential election year, the parties would come together. To save money, they could hold their events in the same arena on alternating nights. Anyone who wants to be president just shows up. (All they would need to qualify would be a half-million signatures on an internet petition.) One night, everyone who's running gets five minutes to make a speech. The next night, they all debate each other. At this point, no one has to raise a dime and they get the ultimate free media exposure.

The delegates at each convention would be comprised equally of elected officials from every level of government, party activists and citizens chosen at random through a lottery system. Their job -- weed out the second tier candidates. Separate the Kuciniches from the Clintons, the Hunters from the Huckabees. This is where we take a page out of reality TV. At the end of each night of the convention -- the delegates vote one candidate out of the race. The conventions would keep going until only three candidates are left in each party. Imagine the drama -- imagine the ratings. The TV networks would love it. Huge audiences would tune in to see which candidate got sent home. As it stands now, the networks hate covering the conventions. They've all scaled back to about an hour a night. But networks would actually line-up to buy the broadcast rights to a convention like this. And the money from such a sale could finance both parties' campaigns.

After the convention, the three finalists in each party would be given $50 million each from the television revenues to spend on their primary campaigns. Every Republican and every Democrat would go to the polls on the same day in early September.

Now, some people may think that three months isn't enough time to learn all that we need to know about the candidates. But I think Mike Huckabee's recent experience shows why that isn't the case. As soon as he shot to the top of the polls in Iowa a few weeks back, we suddenly learned more about the guy than we ever cared to know. Every skeleton fell out of his closet in about the space of 72 hours. We went from knowing little about him, to knowing every detail of his rapist-paroling, gay-bashing past. Yeah, I'd say three months would be plenty of time.

Following the big national primary to choose the nominees, I'd have the parties steal another trick from the reality shows. The winning candidate would be forced to choose their running mate from one of the two losers. As a bonus, I'd have them make their choice on live TV -- it would put the "rose ceremony" to shame. (If we wanted to make it even more fun, we could then force the running mates to live on the same campaign bus and have cameras document their lives 24-7. Hell, they basically do that anyway.)

With the tickets chosen, it would then be a nice, two-month race to the finish. Each side would be given another $75 million from the government to spend as they wish. Again, two months should be plenty of time. It would be just long enough for people to get interested and not so long that people would get sick of the candidates. Most people make up their minds right away anyway. Best of all, the candidates wouldn't have to raise any money from special interests.

So, there you have it -- my plan for picking a president in six months or less. And hopefully, we wouldn't end up with Richard Hatch in the White House. Or worse -- Taylor Hicks.

Fogelberg

2007-12-17T10:57:00.000-05:00

Singer Dan Fogelberg passed away over the weekend, and oddly enough, the first thing that popped into my mind was a funny story David Letterman once told about his friend, the late comedian, George Miller:

Ol' George was a smart ass . . . in a pleasant sort of way. He would say things that could cut but he'd say it with a twinkle in his eye. George was a troubled fellow, like many of us are, and for an outlet he did two things; one was jokes. Another was pills. It didn't matter the kind of pills; any kind would do. He was never mean or menacing . . . but always goofy. And anyone who pops the pills is bound to run into some relationship problems. He took the break up of his last girlfriend pretty hard and was crushed. He did something irrational, but who hasn't in such situations. He broke into her girlfriend's apartment when she wasn't home and on her nightstand was a picture of Jesus Christ. George was so mad he wrote something on the photo of Jesus Christ. When his ex-girlfriend came home and saw the picture, she was sure it was the work of George. She called the cops. The cops went to George's house and confronted him. George denied having anything to do with what was being alleged. When he asked what happened, the cops told him that someone came into her apartment and wrote an obscenity on a picture of Jesus Christ. George said, "Jesus Christ? I thought it was Dan Fogelberg!"

All-Steroid Team

2007-12-14T00:17:00.000-05:00

*Compiled from names of active players included in the Mitchell Report

2B Brian Roberts
SS Miguel Tejada
LF Barry Bonds
RF Gary Sheffield
1B Jason Giambi
CF Gary Matthews Jr.
3B Troy Glaus
C Paul Lo Duca
P Roger Clemens

Now, that's a lineup every team would love to have.

Actually, I think the Mitchell Report may be the best thing ever to happen to baseball. First, it may actually lead to some new policies that will help clean up the sport. Secondly, by naming so many names, it makes it seem like everyone and their brother was on the 'roids (in the case of the Giambi boys, this was literally the case).

Barry Bonds may have been juiced, but if the pitchers who were throwing to him were juiced too -- and if all the other big sluggers in the game were also getting needles in their asses -- then it was a level playing field afterall. The jobs of the Hall Of Fame voters just got a lot easier. Thanks, George.

What Would Dave Do?

2007-11-30T10:47:00.000-05:00

As the writer's strike drags on, I once again try to simulate what a Late Show monologue might have sounded like this week:

Oprah is going to be campaigning for Barack Obama. She could really have a big impact on the race.
She says everyone who votes for Obama will get a new car.

Mitt Romney says he wouldn't have a Muslim person in his cabinet.
It's a shame. He was this close to an endorsement from Cat Stevens.

President Bush had a photo op at the White House with all of the Nobel Prize winners. You know what that means -- yeah, that's right -- he had to smile and shake hands with Al Gore!
There hasn't been this much awkward silence in a room since I hosted the Oscars.

Dolphins running back Ricky Williams returned from his marijuana suspension this week. It didn't go so well.
He tried to smoke the 20-yard line.

There you go, more proof that these writers need to get back to work soon!

Who Do You Really Support?

2007-11-21T11:36:00.000-05:00

A website called itsmynews.com has come up with a quiz to determine which current presidential candidate you agree with the most when it comes to the issues. You may or may not like the answer. Click here to check it out.

Saving the Planet, Motherf*cker!

2007-11-20T13:32:00.000-05:00

What "The Daily Show" Writers Are Doing

2007-11-16T09:24:00.000-05:00

Filling the Void, Pt. 2

2007-11-14T11:41:00.000-05:00

More of what the late night comics would be saying:

O.J. Simpson is back in court this week on armed robbery charges.
O.J. says, "I don't know what the big deal is, it's not like I killed anybody."

Hillary Clinton's presidential campaign has stumbled a bit recently. The other day in Iowa, a bunch of flags fell over at her news conference.
It was the only time a member of the Clinton family wasn't able to get it up.

Have you seen the new "Bee Movie"? It's number one at the box office. It's about a talking insect who sues the nation's food manufacturers.
Based on a true story.

How 'bout those New York Knicks? Guard Stephon Marbury says he won't show up for the team's games.
In other words, he'll be doing the same thing ever other Knicks player has been doing all season.

UFO believers held a conference in Washington this week. They said they'd found evidence of extraterrestrial life.
But it turned out it was just Dennis Kucinich.

"Major" Disaster

2007-11-14T11:36:00.000-05:00

Filling the Void

2007-11-12T09:04:00.000-05:00

We are a nation without laughter. The Writers Guild Of America strike has forced the late night comics into reruns. Dave, Jay, Conan and the others have all gone dark. Current events keep happening, but there's no one around to joke about them. No one's heard a late night comedy monologue in more than a week.

But if they had, it might've sounded something like this:

Hey, did you guys hear about Britney Spears? She blew through a red light with her kids in the back seat.
She told police she was being chased by a drunken Lindsay Lohan.

Have you been following this NASA mission? The Space Shuttle Discovery docked with the International Space Station this week. This time, the Discovery commander is a female. The current Space Station commander is also a female, so the women are really calling the shots up there.
The station's been going around and around the Earth for years now, but this was the first time they stopped to ask for directions.

Any Red Sox fans here tonight? The team announced this week that they've re-signed pitcher Curt Schilling. Under his new contract, he'll lose money if he doesn't keep his weight down.
In other baseball news, David Wells says he'll never return to the Red Sox.

Are you guys following this writer's strike? It is really impacting the entertainment industry. Fox announced there won't be a new season of "24" in 2008.
In a related story, Vice President Cheney says he won't be able to come up with any new ways of torturing people next year.

It's gotten pretty ugly. Governor Schwarzenegger is trying to mediate between the writers and the studios. The strike is really hitting home for him.
He's run out of old movie lines to quote.

Have you heard about this trouble in Pakistan? General Pervez Musharraf has suspended that nation's constitution.
When asked to comment, President Bush shrugged and said, "Been there, done that."

We have a great show for you, tonight...

2007-11-09T10:04:00.001-05:00

Andy Reid On Family Problems: 'Red Right 32 Trap'

Sioux Falls, Hello!

2007-11-05T09:50:00.000-05:00

If you're wondering why CNN is reportedly thinking about replacing Larry King, look no further than this clip:

Anchor "Muffs" A Joke

2007-10-19T12:35:00.000-04:00

This video shows why producers should screen viewer e-mails before an anchor reads them on-air.

I'm Just Saying...

2007-10-16T12:36:00.000-04:00

The Number 42 hangs on the outfield wall at Coors Field, as it does in every Major League Stadium. It's for Jackie Robinson, of course, and all he did for racial equality in America. But if Robinson were alive today, I would have to think he would be a little disappointed when he peered into the dugout of the newly crowned 2007 National League Champions.

The Colorado Rockies, who call Denver's Coors Field home, have exactly ZERO African-American players in their starting lineup. That also happens to be the same number of African-Americans position players on their bench -- ZERO. In fact, the Rockies have just ONE African-American player on their entire roster: reliver LaTroy Hawkins. And he often comes in to face just ONE hitter. The only African-American we've seen in a Rockies batting helmet this postseason is firstbase coach Glenallen Hill (he wears the helmet to protect against line-drives like the one that killed a Rockies minor league instructor).

Now, I don't want to start sounding like Nat X, but I'm just saying, this Rockies team is the whitest bunch I've ever seen in professional sports. Sure, there are hints of diversity. They have a Japanese second baseman, a latin catcher, a latin outfielder and a few latin pitchers. But, every time a Rockie hitter comes to the plate, it seems like it's the same white guy with the same haircut. Can anyone really tell Troy Tulowitzski from Brad Hawpe or Ryan Spilborghs? And it seems every time they pull a pinch hitter off the bench, it's another identical looking white guy with a very caucasian sounding name like Jeff Baker or Seth Smith. (There's no truth to the rumor that the "CR" on their hats stands for "College Republicans".)

Sure, maybe this is all a coincidence. Certainly, no one would think that this team would make it a policy of choosing players based on their backgrounds rather than their playing ability. Except for one thing:

The Colorado Rockies have already admitted to doing exactly that.

In a 2006 article in USA Today, team chariman and CEO, Charlie Montfort proudly stated that the Rockies have been actively going after players of "character", and he clearly defined "character" as people who share his Christian beliefs.

"We started to go after character six or seven years ago, but we didn't follow that like we should have," he stated in the interview. Montfort went on to say that, "Character-wise we're stronger than anyone in baseball. Christians, and what they've endured, are some of the strongest people in baseball. I believe God sends signs, and we're seeing those."

Now, I'm not saying that the Rockies don't like black players. I'm just saying that a team that has openly admitted to signing players based on factors other than their ability -- has almost no black players.

Draw your own conclusions.

A Crying Shame

2007-10-11T12:03:00.000-04:00

We all know there's "No crying in baseball." Especially when you work for the New York Yankees and your team has won 26 World Championships and makes the playoffs every stinking year. But Yanks radio announcer Suzyn Waldman apparently didn't get that memo. Listen to her post-game four meltdown by clicking here.

Unbelieveable

2007-09-30T19:18:00.000-04:00

A week ago, I wondered how it would all turn out for the Phillies down the stretch. After coming so close year after year, I wondered, would they finally win the Wild Card? Well, it turns out, once again the answer was, no. They didn't win the Wild Card...

They won the damn Division!

I don't know how to process this. I'm having trouble comprehending it all. We're so used to heartbreak and disappointment, so used to seeing our teams come close, only to fall short. We're not used to seeing it happen to someone else. (Oh, you poor Mets fans -- now you know how Boston felt in 1986!)

The collapse in 1964, Joe Carter's homer in 1993, the inexplicable final minutes of Super Bowl XXXIX -- Philadelphia sports fans have felt the rug yanked out from under us more times than we can count. It's the reason we're a glass half-empty kind of town. But today may change all that. For once, we've seen something good CAN happen to a Philly team. For once, we've seen that a spectacular implosion of hopes and dreams can occasionally happen to somebody else.

For years, whenever one of our teams has gotten close to glory, you would invariably hear somebody grumble, "Don't worry, they'll blow it -- remember 1964."

Now, we won't say that anymore. Now, when one of our teams has a chance, however slender, we can look forward with optimism and say: "Hey, they have a shot -- remember 2007."

Just Win, Baby

2007-09-25T11:48:00.000-04:00

This morning, the Phillies are on top of the standings in the race for the National League Wild Card. They have six games left to play (seven if there is a one-game playoff). If they win them all, they will make the postseason for the first time in 14 years. They've been this close before. In fact, it seems like they're ALWAYS this close.

Last season, they had the wild-card lead with six games to play, but finished three behind the Dodgers. They had the wild card lead with 16 games to play in 2005, but finished one game behind the Astros. And in 2003, they had the wild card lead with eight games to play, but finished 1-7.

In other words, this is the exact moment they usually choke. So, the next six (or seven) days will either be the most exhilirating in recent memory for Phillies fans. Or, they will once again be agonizing.

We'll know which way it went by this time next week.

But their luck's gotta change one of these years, right?

Team to beat?

2007-09-16T19:03:00.000-04:00

Fred Wilpon may think he owns the Mets. He's wrong. The Phillies do.

Today's game was proof.

2007-09-14T02:38:00.000-04:00

Eagles Fans Give McNabb Three-Week Deadline To Win Super Bowl

Mellow Yellow

2007-08-02T12:43:00.000-04:00

The Simpsons Movie hauled in $71.9 million in its opening weekend. The total far exceeded studio projections, but came as no surprise to me. Who wouldn't go see a Simpsons movie? People like to know when the plunk down $8.50 for a ticket that they're going to get their money's worth. And The Simpsons always deliver. Think about it: have you ever seen a Simpsons episode that was terrible? These guys have been cranking out quality week after week for 18 years. Not many other institutions can say that.

The coolest marketing tie-in associated with the film is the Simpsonize Me website. You upload your photo and they show you what you would look like if you were on the Simpsons. I couldn't resist trying it. I've posted the results below:

Try it yourself at simpsonizeme.com.

2007-07-29T00:26:00.000-04:00

Shane Victorino Really Thought Phillies Could Avoid 10,000th Loss

PHILADELPHIA—Following the Phillies' 45th loss of the season—the historic and much-discussed 10,000th in franchise...

The Biggest Losers

2007-07-12T11:28:00.000-04:00

Phillies fans have long known that their team was number one... as in number one on the list of teams with the most losses of all time. No team in any sport, anywhere in the world -- amateur or professional -- has lost more times than the Philadelphia Phillies.

But for the longest time, this fact seemed known only to those upon whom the suffering has been inflicted: the Phillies fans themselves. The Cubs are lovable losers. The Red Sox always seemed destined to lose (or at least they did). But the Phillies... they just plain lose. And the rest of the country didn't seem to notice.

Until now. As the Phillies get set to open the second half of the 2007 season, their all-time record stands at 9,999 losses. So, unless you're really bad at math, you know that means their next loss will be their 10,000th -- a mark never before reached by any other team. The impending moment is getting a lot of attention, and not just from hometown papers like Philadelphia Daily News. It's a big story nationally. Check out what some of these news organizations are saying about it:

SI.com

International Herald Tribune

KUTV Salt Lake City, UT

And speaking of sucking, check out this guy's career stats.

Opening Day

2007-04-02T10:32:00.000-04:00

Today's a National Holiday in my book: it's Opening Day. It also means it's time to make my predictions:

NL EAST - Braves
NL CENTRAL - Cubs
NL WEST - Dodgers
NL WILD CARD - Phillies

NLCS - Dodgers-Phillies
NL Champ - Dodgers

AL EAST - Red Sox
AL CENTRAL - Tigers
AL WEST - Angels
AL WILD CARD - Yankees

ALCS - Red Sox-Tigers
AL Champ - Red Sox

WORLD SERIES WINNER: Dodgers

Why do I pick the Dodgers? Is it because of their impressive pitching staff and veteran offensive leaders? No, it's because of all of the teams destined for post-season, they acquired more former Phillies this off-season (two) than any other contender. And, as any long-time Philly sportswatcher knows, nothing transforms an average player or coach into a world beater faster than the removal of a Philadelphia uniform (or vice versa).

Phillies, Flyers, Sixers and Flyers uniforms might as well be the sports equivalent of Kryptonite. Get far enough away from one, and you'll quickly win a ring. Just ask Curt Schilling, Terry Francona, Scott Rolen, Larry Brown, Duce Staley and countless others. It's worked for them, and this year, it will work for Randy Wolf and Mike Lieberthal which is why this year is the Dodgers year. You read it here first.

Oscar Picks

2007-02-24T19:12:00.000-05:00

Best Picture: Little Miss Sunshine

Best Director: Martin Scorsese

Best Actor: Forest Whitaker

Best Actress: Helen Mirren

Best Supporting Actor: Alan Arkin

Best Supporting Actress: Jennifer Hudson

Best Foreign Language Film: Pan's Labyrinth

Best Original Screenplay: Little Miss Sunshine

Best Adapted Screenplay: The Departed

Best Cinematography: Pan's Labyrinth

Best Editing: Babel

Best Art Direction: Pan's Labyrinth

Best Documentary Feature: An Inconvenient Truth

Best Documentary Short: Two Hands

Best Live Action Short: Helmer & Son

Best Makeup: Pan's Labyrinth

Best Sound Mixing: Apocalypto

Best Sound Editing: Apocalypto

Best Visual Effects: Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest

Best Costume Design: Dreamgirls

Best Original Score: Notes on a Scandal

Best Original Song: "Listen", Dreamgirls

Best Animated Feature: Happy Feet

Best Animated Short: The Little Matchgirl

Hillary Vs. Bill (No, not that one)

2007-01-22T11:56:00.000-05:00

One day after Hillary Clinton finally confessed to wanting to be President, New Mexico Governor Bill Richardson said, me too. If elected, he would be the first Hispanic President. Which begs the question: Is America ready?...

...for a fat President?

Don't get me wrong. I love the guy. He's probably the most qualified candidate in the race. He's been in congress, he's a two-term governor. He served in the Clinton Administration on both foreign and domestic issues. In other words, he looks great on paper. Unfortunately, paper is about the only place he looks great. Everywhere else, he looks more like Jabba The Hut. Sadly, looks count in politics. Bill, you knew you were going to run. You could've tried Weight Watchers.

Also, there's one other slight problem. Outside of New Mexico and C-SPAN junkies, no one's ever heard of him. So, in a race with three, superstars (maybe four, if Gore gets in) Richardson has as much chance of getting the nomination as you or I do. The good news: he will be on everyone's shortlist for V.P.

Vote, ?????/Richardson in '08!

Review: Meet The Smithereens

2007-01-22T11:47:00.000-05:00

I love The Beatles and I like The Smithereens, so I was excited when I heard about this tribute album. But I listened to the extended samples on iTunes and decided not to buy it. (The samples are so long and the songs are so short, you can hear almost the entire album for free.)

I just thought it was completely pointless. It's just an exact note-for-note, sound-alike cover of an entire Beatles album (and
not even an official album, or a very good one at that). It just wasn't interesting to me. I already own all of the original versions of all of those songs and they sound identical, only with better vocals from John, Paul, George & Ringo. I was disappointed.

If you're going to cover a song (or an entire album) do something different with the material -- make it your own (see: Stevie Wonder's "We Can Work It Out"). If they'd done harder rocking versions of the tunes, or if they'd done bare acoustic versions, I would've dug it. Hell, if they'd rerecorded all of the songs on kazoos, I would've bought it just for the novelty factor. But this was like a bad Beatlemania show. Don't waste your time.

Bush, Clinton, Bush... Clinton?

2007-01-20T17:10:00.000-05:00

Exactly two years from today, a new president will be sworn in. It's way too early to tell if that president will be Hillary Clinton, but it can't be a coincidence that she chose today to announce that (duh!) she's running.

But it's the way she announced that people will be talking about. In a web video that the whole world has probably seen by now, she made her debut as a candidate. Viewers saw a relaxed, perky, charming almost-attractive looking person. Who the hell was this woman and what had she done with Hillary Clinton? The cold, monotone robot we've come to know was nowhere to be seen. We'll need to see more of this new Hillary Clinton if she is to succeed.

Her announcement was also -- appropriately enough -- very feminine. There was a lot of talk of having a conversation. Women, you know, like to talk. Men like to act. All this talk of talking and listening seemed very Oprah-esque. (Too bad for Hillary, Oprah's already endorsed Obama.)

The race is now set. Hillary, it seems to me, was the last big name to get in. John Kerry, Joe Biden, Bill Richardson -- and anyone else who joins the pack -- won't make much of a difference. Al Gore won't get in unless everyone else implodes. No, it's now a three-way contest for the Democratic nomination. It looks like this:

1) Hillary Clinton -- Campaign Theme: Remember how much you liked Bill Clinton? Well, I'm STILL married to him!

2) Barack Obama -- Campaign Theme: I'm the black Bill Clinton.

3) John Edwards -- Campaign Theme: My name doesn't rhyme with a terrorist. And I have a penis.

Two years to go, we'll see what happens.

"Royale" Without Cheese

2006-11-18T12:53:00.000-05:00

When Daniel Craig was first cast as James Bond, I was one of many who expressed my doubts. He's not tall, not handsome -- at first glance, he's not -- as the character is often described -- "the man every woman wants and every man wants to be."

But a still photo of the guy doesn't tell you everything. Once you see him in action on the screen, it all totally works. In fact, it works so well, when the movie's over, you couldn't imagine anyone else playing the part.

That says a lot, considering Craig is the sixth actor to play the role. But it says more about the script (by Neal Purvis and Robert Wade, with dialogue help from Oscar-winner Paul Haggis) which allows Craig to make the character his own. The writers start from scratch, introducing Bond as a young agent just beginning his career. In a black and white prologue, we get to see his first kill, and it's not pretty. The brutal violence sets the tone -- there'll be no parachuting off cliffs in this one. But it also allows a fresh interpretation of Bond.

Rugged and muscular, this 007 is no pretty boy. What Craig does have is charisma and intensity. He's also able to do what no what no previous actor has been able to do: make the character plausible. Don't get me wrong -- I loved Pierce Brosnan in the role. But he was playing a different character -- he was the Bond who could singlehandedly take out a small army and save the world, all without wrinkling his expensive tailored suit. But that's not the guy we see in Casino Royale. Brosnan or Roger Moore couldn't have played this Bond. Only a young Sean Connery could have come close. Of course, Craig has the advantage of a screenplay that for the first time, gives Bond a true character arc and real emotions.

The rest of the cast is great, too. Eva Green is gorgeous as treasury agent, Vesper Lynd -- the most complex, three-dimensional Bond girl ever. She has real chemistry with Craig, and their romance is the best real love story the series has ever achieved. Dame Judi Dench (the only actor returning from the previous films) gives her best performance yet as "M". This time, she's more of a mother to Bond -- guiding him and helping to shape him into the man he becomes. Jeffrey Wright, though under-used, is also great as Bond's CIA counterpart, Felix Leiter.

The storyline is also more realistic. Ironically, Casino Royale -- the shortest of Bond novels (less than 200 pages) -- has become the longest Bond movie (2 hrs. 20 mins.). It begins with what amounts to a mini-Bond movie about 007 foiling a terrorist plot to blow up a plane in Miami. It then segues to the plot of the novel, which makes up the bulk of the movie's second act. Here, the writers are very faithful to Ian Fleming's original work, albeit with some extra fight scenes and car chases thrown in. The book is essentially a simple story about a card game. Bond is sent to the casino to make sure the bad guy loses all of his money. The game is updated from Baccarat to Texas Hold 'Em. At first, I thought that change was sacrilege, but it's absolutely the right choice, since it allows the audience to more easily follow what's going on. The psychological nature of Hold 'Em also gives the writers and actors more fun stuff to work with.

In short, Casino Royale is a terrific rebirth for the Bond series. I look forward to Craig's next mission.

Election Thoughts

2006-11-09T14:04:00.000-05:00

It's good to get a win. It's been at least ten years since we've come away from an election night really feeling good. Admit it, Tuesday's results restored your faith in Democracy.

After a couple of elections that left us wondering if the results were legit, it's gratifying to see an election where the other team won. It tells us that these things aren't all rigged. Or if they are rigged, at least both parties have the ability to rig them. Hey man, all I want is a level playing field!

But the most satisfying thing about this week's results is the knowledge that the people get it. They may not all catch on as quickly as others, but they catch on eventually. The old saying goes, "you can fool some of the people some of the time, but you can't fool all of the people all of the time." That's the key lesson here for Karl Rove and his gang of dirty tricksters.

The Republicans really lost this election more than a year ago, when President Bush uttered the eight words that will prove to be his undoing:

"Brownie, you're doing a heck of a job."

Up to that point, the general public had still been giving him the benefit of the doubt when it came to the always-shifting, increasingly complex web of distortions, half-truths and outright lies he'd been spinning to justify his policies and his war. But that ill-advised quip at that FEMA photo-op was the moment the web started to unravel. It was the moment many of his supporters collectively realized, "Wait a second... this guy's full of shit!" So great and so obvious was the chasm between what he was saying and the reality of the situation, that his credibility was irreparably shattered.

And so, the dye was cast. When he tried to tell the public we were succeeding in Iraq, no longer did the majority give him the benefit of the doubt. And so the war that had been the shield that supposedly inoculated him from criticism and second-guessing ("We're at war! If you don't support our President, you're unpatriotic!") had instead become a 1000 pound weight around his neck.

Not that I feel sorry for him. Things shouldn't work out for a leader who has committed an act that has tarnished the United States' standing in the world. In invading Iraq, he launched an unprovoked attack on a sovereign nation. We don't do that. We're supposed to be the good guys. Invading Afghanistan was one thing -- they were harboring criminals who attacked us. Iraq was a different story. Invading that country was a violation of the principles that gave us our moral authority.

Hopefully, the Democrats can find a way to undo the mistake, and begin to rebuild that authority. The party swept into power by using the brilliant strategy of standing for... nothing. Since they stood for nothing, the Republicans had nothing to argue against. This forced Republicans to merely advocate their own unpopular positions, which was enough to cause voters to want to choose anybody but them.

Standing for nothing also meant the Dems didn't push far-left positions on gay marriage and gun control. Those would have been losing issues. Where this country really wants its government to be is in the center, and that's where the Democrats should go. They should work towards finding common sense bipartisan solutions to the nation's most pressing problems and leave the rest for another day. This philosophy should also be the guide to picking a Presidential candidate in two years. This country has felt divided for far too long. We want somebody who can bring us all together. Hillary? Not so much. John Edwards, you're looking pretty good.

The Real Borat?

2006-11-09T11:29:00.000-05:00

There's a guy in Turkey who claims to be the real Borat. Why anyone would boast about that is beyond me, but looking at his personal website, it's hard to argue with him.

2006-10-18T22:28:00.000-04:00

Under the Tusken Sun

Romance for Star Wars geeks.

Coming Soon

2006-10-04T10:35:00.000-04:00

Knight Rider, a shadowy flight into the dangerous world of a man who does not exist. Michael Knight, a young loner on a crusade to champion the cause of the innocent, the powerless, the helpless in a world of criminals who operate above the law.

What's next: A movie version of "Greatest American Hero"?

Shhh! It's A Secret!

2006-09-25T12:24:00.000-04:00

It was revealed over the weekend that a classified intelligence report has concluded the Iraq war has increased the terrorist threat against America, not decreased it.

This leads me to wonder what other classified information was contained in this report. That the sky is blue? The earth is round?

That the Iraq war has fueled anti-American sentiment in the Arab world is hardly privileged information. It's plain for all to see that the war has been an incredible recruiting tool for Islamic extremists. In fact it was a key argument made by Sen. John Kerry's supporters in 2004. It's also probably not much of a surprise to the thousands of soldiers and innocent civilians in Iraq who've had their bodies blown apart by insurgent bombs.

I wonder how long it took the nice folks at the National Intelligence Council to figure out the war was actually making the terrorist threat worse. And I wonder what they did for the rest of that hour.

Yes, the war in Iraq has created more terrorists. But don't tell anyone. It's classified!

2006-09-25T11:13:00.000-04:00

Bubba Bitch Slaps Fox News Guy

You don't tug on Superman's cape, you don't spit into the wind and you don't mess around with Bill Clinton.

Bush Tries to Convince Public He's Mishandling War On Terror

2006-09-14T12:08:00.000-04:00

In a nationally televised address to the nation on the fifth anniversary of the September 11, 2001 terrorist attacks, President Bush attempted to persuade the American people that his fight against global terrorism has been a failure. By attempting to show that the war in Iraq is the centerpiece of the war on terror, Mr. Bush unwittingly argued that under his leadership, the fight is not going well.

Though polls show a majority of Americans fail to see a connection between the war on terror and the conflict in Iraq, the President used the speech to try and convince viewers the two struggles were one and the same. While acknowledging in the speech that "Saddam Hussein was not responsible for the Nine-Eleven attacks," Mr. Bush declared "The safety of America depends on the outcome of the battle in the streets of Baghdad." If that is indeed true, then things do not look good for the safety of America.

In a TIME poll last month, 63% of those surveyed disapproved of the President's handling of the Iraq war. If the President's argument is to be believed, and the Iraq conflict is the central front in the war on terror, then a strong majority of Americans would agree the war on terror is not succeeding.

During an interview last week, Mr. Bush told CBS Evening News Anchor Katie Couric that "One of the hardest parts of my job is to connect Iraq to the war on terror."

For his own good, maybe he shouldn't try so hard.

2006-09-14T11:02:00.000-04:00

Geniuses At Work

George shows Ringo how to write a song.

2006-09-12T11:20:00.000-04:00

Great Commentary by Keith Olbermann

Yo, Rocky!

2006-09-08T13:57:00.000-04:00

Does Rocky's return mean the return of... something else?

It says a lot about the state of sports in Philadelphia that the city's most famous athlete remains a fictional character: Rocky Balboa.

The town continues to embrace the imaginary prize fighter for all he represents. If your only champ has to be a made-up one, at least he's one that embodies Philadelphia's underdog working-class spirit. Still, for as much love as Philadelphians still show towards "Rocky" -- and each of its sequels -- the city was not showing much love to the one tangible keepsake from the movie series. Until today.

The Rocky statue, built in 1981 for the filming of Rocky III, was donated to the city after the film wrapped production. In the movie, the 9-foot bronze piece is unveiled on top of the steps of the Philadelphia Museum of Art -- the same steps Rocky climbs in the original movie's signature moment. Sylvester Stallone gave the statue to the city with the hope it would remain atop the steps. But a few stuck-up members of the city's art commission decided a movie prop was not a suitable enough work to stand outside an art museum. So, the statue was moved to the South Philadelphia Sports Complex (only to return briefly for continuity's sake during the filming of Rocky V).

The art museum steps remain one of the city's most popular tourist stops. Visitors come from far and wide just to run up the steps and recreate the movie's most famous scene. But many out-of-towners (especially the ones who have trouble separating movies from real life) get to the top and wonder why the statue isn't there to great them. Now they will have to wonder no longer.

Today, in a case of life imitating art, Sylvester Stallone will be on hand for a ceremony to rededicate the statue as it's returned to the art museum once again. In a compromise, the statue has been placed not on top of the steps, but down at the bottom and off to the side. But at least tourists will get to see it. And folks will be able to get a nice picture of Rocky with his arms raised high, the museum's giant columns in the background. Just like in the movies. All will again be right with the world.

Well, maybe not all is right. There's something still missing in Philadelphia. The statue was banished from its home a short time after the premiere of Rocky III in 1983. That also happens to be the last year a major professional sports team in Philadelphia won a championship. Some locals, looking to explain the longest drought of any city with four major pro sports teams, have theorized that the championships ceased the day another skyscraper was built higher than the statue of William Penn on top of City Hall. They call it, "The Curse of Billy Penn". But maybe they've been blaming the wrong statue. Maybe it was Rocky who's been cursing us all along. Afterall, he's been spending a lot of time hanging around the Sports Complex all these years. He's had much closer access to the teams than Billy Penn. Maybe now that Rocky's been returned to his rightful home, maybe -- just maybe -- Philadelphia has reversed the curse. It may just be wishful thinking. But if the Phillies win the Wild Card, I'll start to think something's up.

"CRIKEY!"

2006-09-04T10:29:00.000-04:00

When a young celebrity dies suddenly, it's usually quite a shock. Sadly, the one thing you can't say about the death this morning of "Crocodile Hunter" Steve Irwin is that you're surprised. In fact, the only surprising thing is that he was killed, not by a Crocodile, but by a Stingray, which are normally known for being rather docile. I guess that's what you call irony.

Let's face it. We all saw this one coming. We all knew that one of these days, one of those wild creatures was going to get him. The producers may not want to admit it, but that was the appeal of his show. Just like people watch NASCAR for the wrecks, we were tuning in (subconsciously or not) thinking that maybe this week is the week that dude finally gets stung to death or eaten.

If we didn't want to see this crazy bugger try to kill himself -- we wouldn't have watched. We voted with our remotes. Take a look in the mirror, folks. We wanted to see Steve Irwin die.

At least he leaves behind a bundle of cash for his kids. We'll miss you Steve!

Ryan Howard Is Good

2006-08-30T13:15:00.000-04:00

With a mammoth shot off the facing of the second deck in the cavernous valley that is RFK Stadium, Ryan Howard Tuesday night moved into a tie with Mike Schmidt for most home runs in a season by a Philadelphia Phillie. The blast, which hit high above the 410 foot sign in dead center, was his 48th of the year. And we're not even finished with August yet.

It is now not very far fetched to think he could hit 60 in this, his sophomore year. If he manages to reach that mark, he will be the first player since Roger Maris 45 years ago to do so without the aid of pharmaceuticals. (Okay, you ask: How do I know he's not on the juice? Well, I don't. But consider this: 1) His head is not abnormally large. 2) He does not have a 32 inch neck. 3) He's seems like just too darn nice a kid to do that sort of thing.)

Howard is not only currently leading the majors in homers, he's also first in the NL in RBI. Not only that, he's hitting close to .300 (.296 going into today's game). He has now hit 72 career major league home runs. And he hasn't even played a full season in the big leagues yet. In short, we are witnessing something extraordinary.

Undercover Receiver

2006-08-28T21:26:00.000-04:00

Well, it didn't take long for things to go South for Terrell Owens in Dallas. This weekend, the Cowboys fined the wide receiver $9,500 for missing a meeting and a rehab session. This news comes as no surprise to Philadelphia fans, who watched Owens punch his ticket out of town last season. But I think things are going exactly according to plan.

Sure, all that crap T.O. pulled last year with the Eagles seemed pretty convincing. First came the supposed contract squabble. Then he got sent home after telling Coach Andy Reid to "shut up". For good measure, he caused a media circus by doing sit-ups in his front yard immediately after that so-called "suspension". Then of course, there was his staged locker room scuffle with former Eagle Hugh Douglas and, most convincing of all -- his "feud" with quarterback Donovan McNabb. For good measure, T.O. even went out and hired an obnoxious new agent and wrote a book in which he slammed the Eagles.

But I can see right through their act. It seems clear to me now that this was all just an elaborate ruse so that his defection to Dallas would be 100% believable. It's obvious the Birds are taking a page out of the old Cold War playbook. T.O. is a double agent, sent to infiltrate a division rival and bring them down from the inside! He's already caused Coach Bill Parcells to start ranting in news conferences. It's only a matter of time before Owens starts ripping quarterback Drew Bledsoe and suggests in an interview on ESPN that the Cowboys would have a better record if A.J. Feeley were their quarterback. Once his mission is accomplished and the Cowboys cut him, Owens will return triumphantly to Philadelphia and all will be revealed. He and McNabb will hug at a news conference and laugh together as they tell reporters how they managed to fool everyone.

Then again, there is another possibility.

Maybe T.O.'s just an asshole.

Coming Soon?

2006-08-13T14:00:00.000-04:00

What's worse than Snakes On A Plane? Find the answer here.

2006-08-12T01:40:00.000-04:00

Captain Kirk's Rocket Man

William Shatner interprets Elton John's Rocket Man.

I'm Here To Report A Crime

2006-07-30T18:42:00.000-04:00

Call the Special Victims Unit, there's been an assault in South Philadelphia. The victim is a baseball team and the suspect was wearing pinstripes.

Today's trade of Bobby Abreu and Corey Lidle to the New York Yankees for Jack (and no, that's not the name of a player) constitutes the rape of a ball club. We're used to the Yankees always getting what they want, but this is ridiculous. In the past, they've always been happy to take your high-priced superstars off your hands in exchange for a top prospect or two. Now, it seems they don't even have to part with the prospects. All they had to pony up this time was the cash. The biggest acquisition for the Phillies in this trade will never put on a uniform. It's the $27 million-or-so they're saving by having Lidle and Abreu's contracts taken off their hands. Sure, you hope that money becomes a free-agent starting pitcher, but you wonder if even that amount would be enough to lure a quality arm to pitch in Citizens Bank Park's cozy dimensions.

I was all for trading Abreu, but only if it meant getting a frontline starting pitcher in return. Despite his tendency toward lackadaisical play in the outfield, Abreu is one of the game's best pure hitters. You can't give him away for nothing, which is apparently what the Phillies did. Even if there were an almost-major-league-ready arm coming back (like a Philip Hughes), you'd say, okay, that's worth the risk. But the Phillies couldn't even pull that off. Instead, the Phillies get a middle reliever and a trio of 2nd-tier prospects who are fewer levels removed from little league than the major leagues. And the most heralded of the bunch is C.J. Henry, a guy who's only hitting .237 in Class A and who plays shortstop, a position where the team does not appear to need any help for a long time. So, the Yankees fill two crucial needs (corner outfield and starting pitching) and the Phillies fill none of their gaping holes at 3rd base, catcher and pitcher (at least not for years to come).

Abreu has now been involved in two of the most lopsided trades in Phillies history. The deal that brought him to the Phils for Kevin Stocker back in '98 was highway robbery. The deal that sends him to the Bronx is another steal. I guess what goes around, comes around.

Movie Review: World Trade Center

2006-07-26T11:54:00.000-04:00

Directed by Oliver Stone

It's a little known story from a day we know all too well. The new film World Trade Center tells the gripping true story of two of the last men pulled out of the rubble of Ground Zero alive.

Nicolas Cage and Michael Pena play Port Authority Police officers. In the film's heart-pounding opening minutes, we watch the attack unfold through the eyes of these first responders. As the routine morning becomes anything but routine, the officers glimpse news reports (we are thankfully spared any images of the plane striking the towers) and get bits of information from cellphone calls to family members as they race downtown. But what's most striking is how little the men know about what's really happening. As the officers prepare to the climb the North Tower, they are unaware the South Tower has even been hit. Communications gear is failing, and there is confusion all around.

Through impeccably detailed sets and flawless special effects, director Oliver Stone and his filmmaking team recreate these hectic moments in all-too-realistic detail. You're right there, on the street, looking up and watching the chaos unfold in 35mm and THX surround sound. If you didn't know any better, you'd think Stone had a crew shooting in Lower Manhattan that day. You have to struggle to remind yourself everything you're seeing was recreated on a soundstage on inside a computer.

Screenwriter Andrea Berloff further enhances the realism with believable dialogue. She not only effectively captures the "cop talk" (half the time, there's so much lingo being bantered back and forth, you don't understand what the heck the characters are saying -- as it should be), she also delivers a truth and honesty to the conversations and interactions. The words never feel contrived.

The quality cast does the script justice. It's remarkable how well Cage, a major movie star, disappears behind the moustache and hunched shoulders of Sgt. John McLoughlin. Pena (last seen as the locksmith in "Crash") is instantly likeable as Ofc. Jimeno. Their performances are even more noteworthy considering they spend the majority of the movie flat on their backs. They are also well supported by Maria Bello and Magie Gyllenhaal as their respective wives, who spend much of the film enduring an agonizing wait to learn the fate of their husbands.

Stone's storytelling is also more methodical and straightforward than it's been in recent years. He mercifully ditches the frenetic editing style he's employed in films like Natural Born Killers and Any Given Sunday.

Not Political

When one hears that Oliver Stone, director of such politically charged films as JFK and Born on the Fourth Of July, is making a movie about 9/11, your first tendency is to say, "uh oh." But this may be the least political movie Stone has ever made, one both red states and blue states can agree on. It's not about the roots of terror, or who's to blame for what. It's not about villains. It's about heroes. Though set during one of America's darkest hours, it tells a life-affirming story of courage, love and the strength people can summon inside. The movie reminds us how we all felt that day, how we all came together. Some say it is too soon for a movie like this. But as our nation sits so sharply divided, it's not a minute too soon to remember the unity of purpose we all had on 9/11 and ponder whether we can ever get it back.

2006-07-22T11:02:00.000-04:00

Touchy Feely Bush

Just imagine what people would be saying if Clinton had done this to a female head of state...

Kevin Smith Q & A

2006-07-21T08:57:00.000-04:00

Recently, as part of my day job, I had the chance to interview writer/director Kevin Smith about his new movie, Clerks II.

You can read an entire transcript of the interview below, or you can watch it in its entirety by clicking here.

Q. Clerks II, you're coming full circle. Talk about the differences making the sequel. The first film was made for very little money.

A. There is something of a full circle affair to the whole thing, if you were intending to do the circle in the first place. It wasn't one of these things where I'm like "One day I'm going to make a Clerks II". It just kind of happened, and some people assume it happened because of Jersey Girl. Like, Jersey Girl tanked, so he wanted to go back to the well. And they've kind of missed the target, but hit the tree. Like, Jersey Girl played a role, but it wasn't that it didn't do as well as it could have, or should have. It really came down to, after making a movie where the back-story -- who was sleeping with who -- was far more intriguing and maybe more interesting than the movie itself, so much so that every story about the movie was about that about Ben and Jen, I was just like, "I don't want to work with famous people, man". I want to work with people where people don't care if they're sleeping together. Like if Brian O'Halloran and Jeff Anderson started sleeping together, maybe in like a post-Brokeback Mountain era that might be good for the movie, but I don't think it's going to make the cover of like "Us Weekly". So I kind of felt like, alright, this would be a nice way to kind of recharge the batteries, kick back, make a movie with my friends, not have to worry about tabloids showing up on the set. So, it seemed like Clerks II was the thing to do. And I was also sitting there like, I want to make a movie about what it feels like it's like to be in my 30s. And I started thinking about how Clerks was that movie for me in my 20s. And I was like, well, why not use Dante and Randall as the proxies, as the way in again.

Q. What happened with Jersey Girl? Was it just a victim of the whole Bennifer thing?

A. It's not like I can point at Bennifer and be, like, that was the problem, although you have to be willfully ignorant not to acknowledge Gigli's affect on Jersey Girl. They went first, we had to follow, that was a tough act to follow. Because it was almost like, remember that movie you hated with those two people you can't stand, here's even more. Check 'em out. So, that was tough to follow. But you know, it was just as much a problem that critically people seemed to think I shouldn't be making that movie. There were a lot of reviews that were just like, "Why did he make this? He shouldn't make this. Dante and Randall would've made fun of this movie. You take his name off of this, you wouldn't know he directed it. Very standard, very pabulum." Stuff like that. So, I guess that played a role as well.

Q. "Jay and Silent Bob Strikes Back" was supposed to be the last "Askewniverse" movie. What happened?

A. Yeah Jay and Silent Bob Strikes Back, I was like, that's it, we're done, no more Askewniverse movies. And then I saw my mortgage bill, and I was like, you know what, back to the well! No, then I thought about the idea of making Clerks II and telling this story. And the first person I talked to about it was Scott Mosier, my producer, and I was like "I'm thinking about making a Clerks sequel." And he was like, "as long as it's entertaining, go ahead". And I said, "Yeah, but I said I was done with these movies. And I said I wasn't going to make them anymore." And he put it all in perspective when he said, "So". And I was like, "Excellent point". And I was like, "yeah, but everyone's going to take me to task," (and when I say everyone, I mean the five people who are interested in these movies). I said, "they're going to take me to task for saying I was done and now suddenly doing it again." And he's just like, "so, you changed your mind, big deal. So basically, what you're saying is, you're entertaining the notion of not making the movie, because you once said you're not going to make them anymore, aren't you allowed to change your mind? He's like, "When you were a kid, didn't you tell me you wanted to be a Jedi?" And I said, "I did say that". And he said, "Are you a Jedi today?" And I was like, "No." And he was like, "Should I be mad at you that you didn't live up to your promise to be a Jedi?" And I was like, "I get where you're going with this, good point."

Q. Were you worried about tarnishing the original Clerks?

A. There's always like a fear, a little trepidation going in that the movie stinks, and not only do people hate the new one, but they retroactively go back and hate on the original. So, there was a bit of trepidation of touching something that some people have labeled as a cult classic, a seminal indie film. That's what some people have said about the movie, how some people categorize it. We didn't set out to make a cult classic, a seminal indie flick. We just set out to make a movie about dudes sitting around talkin' about stuff that I find kind of funny. So, when you view it from the prism of, oh man, don't muck with the legacy, don't screw with your legacy, it becomes daunting, but when you just kind of remove all that, you know, the kind of bells and whistles that get attached to the movie after it comes out, and just go, alright, it's just a movie about two dudes sitting around talking. The one I want to make is another movie about two dudes sitting around talking. We talk about different stuff, they grow a little bit more. You know, let's not get lost in what people say that Clerks is, um, and just kind of move forward.

Q. In the sequel, not much has changed for Dante & Randall.

A. In the beginning of the movie, and through most of the movie, we find Dante and Randall -- in the very beginning of the movie, we find that nothing has changed for them in ten years, they're still working at the Quick Stop then something happens with the Quick Stop and they wind up working at this burger joint called Mooby's, which is a fake burger franchise we introduced in Dogma, played a little role in Jay & Silent Bob Strike Back as well. So the movie kind of follows a day in their life -- Dante's last day in New Jersey before he moves down to Florida with his fiancee. And it kind of focuses on how untethered Randall feels by the idea the one dude he can identify with is gonna leave. And it all culminates with a donkey show. As every movie should.

Q. Since you made the last movie, a lot has changed for you. Twelve years have passed. When you made the original, you're weren't that far removed from these characters. You're much more successful, now. How hard was it to get back in these guys heads?

A. You know, getting back into their heads was easy, I mean, I know I haven't had a minimum wage job in 12 years at this point, and I never worked at a fast food joint, so it's not like, you know, some people have worried that like or fretted, online in particular, like, what connection do you have to this world? Well, my answer to that has always been, like, "Well, Clerks wasn't really about working in a convenience store, either." If you look at the movie, like, that's the setting, but really it's about people who do everything they can to not work in a convenience store. They just happen to be there. Same thing with Clerks II with Mooby's. It's not about fast food. It's not some indictment of the fast food franchise. It's really just where they happen to work. And it's all about how those dudes kind of go out of their way to not be at work. No one ever really works in this movie. Just like nobody ever really worked in Clerks. So getting into that mindset was easy because I'm a very lazy bastard. Even though I've been able to do some stuff over the last 12 years, it's not like I'm the most exciting go-getter. I spend a lot of time watching TV and surfing internet porn. So, I can identify with these characters in a big way.

Q. How long did it take you to write the script?

A. I think I wrote the script in about a month. A little less than a month?

Q. You obviously had a lot of challenges making the first movie. I'm guessing there were far fewer this time with the bigger budget?

A. The first movie we had a budget of like 27,575 bucks. That wasn't going in, that's just what it wound up costing. This one had a budget of $5 million. So, we had a lot more money for coke and whores this time around. You know, my job doesn't change from budget to budget. It doesn't matter what it cost us to make, my job is relatively the same. You know, write the script, rehearse the actors. Make sure they give as good an on camera performance as the one I heard in my head, if not better, if they bring something to it, something bigger. So, whether we've got five bucks or five million, my job remains kind of the same. The one who it gets more difficult for, based on the budget level is Scott Mosier, my producer. You know, a little more money makes it easier for him to pull off. Less money means he's pulling in favors and begging people to do stuff. But five million was a very comfortable budget for us, in terms of like, you know, it's guaranteed to make it's money back, it's already in profit, they pre-sold the movie in foreign territories. So, before we ever rolled a frame of film, we were in profit. So, that's cool because it sort of takes the onus of the business half of the show-business equation off our backs, because, I don't know how everyone else, other directors operate, but, you know, I'm Catholic, I have tons of guilt when it comes to like, spending somebody else's dough, and I want to make sure they get their money back. So, knowing that those dudes at the Weinstein Company are going to be in profit -- that's great -- then I can just concentrate on actually making the movie itself. And five million was a comfy place to do it. Cheap by studio standards. It's on the low-end of the scale. I guess the average studio budget now is between 30 and 40, ours was five million. But it was more than enough to accomplish what we needed to accomplish.

Q. The lower budget -- did that give you more freedom? Because I think you pushed the envelope further than ever before with this one.

A. Yeah, the less money you have, I find, with what I do, the more free reign you have to kind of put whatever you want in the movie. If I made this movie for $20 million bucks, I'm sure a lot of the scenes would have been excised, a lot of the themes we're dealing with would have been condensed, a lot of the language would have been culled out. So, by virtue of the fact there's a lower budget, as long as the studio feels like, well, we're going to make it back -- I mean, even if nobody went theatrically on the movie, our DVD sales are always really strong. So, they know they're going to make their money back. So, they kind of tend to leave you alone. It's not like on Jersey Girl. On Jersey Girl, we had a $35 million budget. When people started hating on Gigli, I started getting the calls and the sit-downs where people were like, maybe you should get Jennifer out of the movie, I don't know? And it's like, "She dies in the first ten minutes! What do you want me to do?" And it's like, "Maybe you should make her die in Gigli or something, so that she doesn't even show up in this movie." I didn't get any calls like that on Clerks II, no matter what we did. We're like, "We're shooting a donkey show today." They're like, "Go nuts, whatever. Just stay on budget."

Q. Did you have any problems with the MPAA

A. The MPAA we were really worried were going to watch the movie and give us an NC-17 because we got an NC-17 on Clerks the first time around. The we had to fight it through an appeals process and got it overturned without having to cut anything. Jersey Girl, oddly enough, they gave us an R rating. And for a movie that's very, very sweet and sentimental -- no hard edge to it. The movie lacks cynicism or any of my usual kind of colorful language. And they gave us an R and we had to go in, do the appeals fight again and got it changed to a PG-13 without any cuts. For this one, we were ready for the Mother Of All Battles, I was gearing up for the Jihad of a lifetime -- armed with all my arguments as to why this movie wasn't an NC-17. Because we didn't have any gratuitous sex or any sex whatsoever, except you know, the donkey show. And no nudity or anything like that, or violence. And I'm ready to cite chapter and verse for other movies and other stuff similar to what we've done and how they got it on. It didn't matter, they just gave us an R. It didn't even get to use my arguments. I was ready to Clarence Darrow it and stuff and -- nothing. I didn't get my big moment in court. They just gave us an R. And I was like, wow, standards have apparently really dropped at the MPAA. At first I was delighted because it meant I wasn't going to have to cut anything. And I wasn't going to have to fight to get to that rating. You know, ecstatic as hell. And then after a few minutes I was like, "How could they NOT give this movie and NC-17?!" I was a little outraged -- as a parent.

Q. Do you think Christian Conservatives might have any issues with this film, not just for the racy content, but because of the way the character of Elias is portrayed?

A. I don't know man, I think this time around... Sometimes we've gotten in trouble, like with Dogma, we got in trouble with the Catholic League. On Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back oddly enough we got in trouble with GLADD. Jay and Silent Bob, to me was the gayest movie I've ever made -- that happened to have straight dudes in it. Until Clerks II, which is truly the gayest movie I've ever made. Very gay friendly. And you know, Chasing Amy, we got some heat. Every once and awhile we encounter these groups that are not pleased with what we're doing. So far on Clerks, nothing. And that's great, I'll take it. It'd be nice to release a movie for once without any hubbub around it. So, I'm not even going to tempt fate by pointing out what they could go after. All I know is that PETA signed off on our movie. That was one thing I was concerned about. I didn't want a bunch of people like, "Show respect for donkeys!" They were there on the set, they watched it when we were done. They gave us that "no animals were harmed... Maybe slightly embarrassed, but not harmed."

2006-07-21T01:20:00.000-04:00

Chad Vader - Day Shift Manager (episode 1)

Life is hard when you're Darth Vader's less-talented, less-charismatic younger brother and you manage a grocery store.

2006-07-18T13:41:00.000-04:00

Bush G8

Who Gives A Shit About "Shit"?

2006-07-18T13:24:00.000-04:00

So, the entire U.S. news media this week has been obsessed with the fact an open microphone caught President Bush using (heaven forbid) the "s-word" during what he thought was a private chat with British P.M. Tony Blair. (If you're one of the few people who hasn't seen the video by now, you can watch it above.)

Everyone seems to be talking about Bush's language. But they're missing the real story here. The tape reveals that Bush actually seems to have a firm grasp on the issue at hand! There's no handler whispering in his ear, telling him what to say. He actually seems to have a clear idea of how to solve the problem, all by himself. For those of us who've wondered whether he really has any clue what he's doing, this qualifies as a stunning development!

The clip actually made me feel a little (I can't believe I'm saying this) relieved.

Too Little, Too Late

2006-06-28T13:54:00.000-04:00

After Brett Myers' arrest on charges domestic violence charges, I wrote that suspending Myers would have been totally understandable. However, I initially gave the team a pass for allowing him to pitch last Saturday, because I assumed their hands were tied by the players' union.

But as a result of yesterday's removal of Myers from the team's starting rotation, it's quite clear that nothing was stopping the team from taking action. Nothing but their own stupidity. The only logical explanation for the team's decision to let Myers pitch, is that the team simply felt he gave them a better chance to win. For an organization that has been widely criticized over the years for not wanting to win, they picked the worst possible time to have a win-at-all-costs mentality.

I don't care how bad you want to win. You don't send a guy out to the mound at Fenway Park, on national television, 36 hours after multiple witnesses report seeing him beating the shit out of his wife on a public street. You don't send him out on any field anywhere, period. Even if he is your best pitcher.

And you don't create further PR damage by shrugging off the incident as just another insignificant off-the-field matter and declare that you "stand behind" your player. When your team has underachieved, you've fallen out of contention and have trouble filling seats in your new $400 Million ballpark, you don't go giving fans reasons to boycott your club.

Team President Dave Montgomery's inept handling of the situation should not surprise anyone. He has a long history of mistakes. From waiting six months too long to fire Larry Bowa (Ed Wade wanted him fired mid-season when the move might have made a difference), and then waiting several years too long to fire Ed Wade... to failing to secure funding for a new ballpark in a timely manner... to putting the fences too close once the park was finally built, and then failing to properly pad those fences... to running two future Hall Of Famers (Curt Schilling and Scott Rolen) out of town, and failing to bring a first round draft pick (J.D. Drew) into town -- he's made more errors than David Bell.

Face it Mr. Montgomery, you're bad at your job. Please quit and find something more suited to your talents. (Like doing war planning for the Bush administration.)

I've always disagreed with the people who said the Phillies' management doesn't care about winning. As this episode proves -- they do want to win. They're just clueless.

Hitting A New Low

2006-06-24T12:40:00.000-04:00

It's difficult to know what got hit harder in Boston on Friday; Ryan Madson's change-up -- or Kim Myers' head.

In what is quickly becoming a nightmare season, the Philadelphia Phillies have offered their fans precious little to cheer about. Now, to make matters worse, one of the team's few bright spots -- their best starting pitcher -- is revealed to be a despicable wife-beating creep. The team's 10-2 loss to the Red Sox Friday night was embarrassing. But the domestic violence charges against Brett Myers stemming from an incident early Friday morning are truly disturbing.

While he is surely innocent until proven guilty, it's hard to believe there is not at least some substantial truth to the allegations Myers violently assaulted his wife (and the mother of his children) on a public street. The details of the episode are sickening and gut wrenching. There were multiple witnesses who report seeing Myers dragging his wife by the hair and slugging her with a closed fist. At least one bystander was so horrified, they called 911. Given Myers' well-documented anger management issues on the baseball field, it's not hard to imagine his troubles carrying over into his personal life.

One would have understood if the Phillies had suspended Myers. But with due process yet to be carried out, and with the players union likely to protest any attempt to punish Myers, the team's decision to let him start a game on national television is uncomfortable, but understandable.

However, allowing Myers on the field puts the already suffering Philadelphia fans in a painful dilemma. The Phillies desperately need Myers to perform well if the team is to have any hope of succeeding. And yet, until -- and possibly long after -- Myers' inevitable tearful televised mea culpa, it will be very difficult to root for the man.

Maybe Myers will inspire a new fan club in the upper deck of Citizens Bank Park. At his next home start, maybe we'll look up there and see a bunch of young men in white, tank-top undershirts sitting beneath a homemade banner that reads: BRETT'S WIFEBEATERS. Now that would be a statement.

Hu's On First

2006-04-20T10:44:00.000-04:00

Chinese President Hu Jintao visited the White House today. The following conversation was overheard in the Oval Office this morning:

Aide: President Hu is here to see you, sir.

Bush: Who?

Aide: President Hu, the President of China

Bush: Who's the President of China?

Aide: Right. President Hu...

Bush: President Who?

Aide: Yes, that's who we're talking about.

Bush: Who are we talking about??

Aide: Correct. Now, as I was saying, President Hu...

Bush: Who's the President of What?

Aide: Hu's the President of China.

Bush: That's what I'm asking you!

Aide: Hu.

Bush: What?

Aide: No, Waat is the Ambassador from Egypt.

Bush: Who's from Egypt?

Aide: No, Hu's from China. Waat's from Egypt.

Bush: Where?

Aide: Wehr's from Germany.

Bush: Where's Germany?

Aide: Yes, Vice Chancellor Wehr is from Germany. Wehr is Germany.

Bush: That's what I was asking you.

Aide: Listen, it's simple. Hu is China, Waat is Egypt and Wehr is Germany.

Bush: I don't know...

Aide: Oh, Mr. Idanoe...he's your new press secretary!

Bush: Who's my new Press Secretary?

Aide: No, Hu's the President of China.

Bush: What? I told you I don't know!

Aide: Oh, you know Watt. He's from Egypt. He'll be here next week. He's coming with Secretary Wenn.

Bush: Who?

Aide: Not Hu, Watt. Watt and Wenn.

Bush: When?

Aide: Right, Watt is with Wenn.

Bush: What? When? How?

Aide: Oh, Admiral Howe -- He's next Thursday.

Bush: Where?

Aide: Yes, from Germany.

Bush: Let's start from the beginning: Who, what, when, where and how?

Aide: Exactly.

Bush: I'm confused.

Opening Day

2006-04-03T09:00:00.000-04:00

Baseball is finally back, and it's time to make predictions for the upcoming season:

Division winners:

NL EAST - Braves
NL CENTRAL - Cardinals
NL WEST - Dodgers
NL WILD CARD - Mets

NL Division Series:

Cardinals beat Mets
Dodgers beat Braves

NLCS: Cardinals beat Dodgers

AL EAST - Red Sox
AL CENTRAL - White Sox
AL WEST - A's
AL WILD CARD - Yankees

AL Division Series:

White Sox beat Yankees
Red Sox beat A's

ALCS: White Sox beat Red Sox

World Series: White Sox beat Cardinals

It's Inevitable

2006-03-02T10:49:00.000-05:00

I predict the hottest new reality TV show of 2006 will be, drumroll please...

"Curling With Celebrities"

Now, I don't know if any network actually has such a show on its production slate yet, but hell, if I can think of the idea, then I'm sure the suits at Fox will figure it out too. (A less successful version on ABC called "Curling With The Stars" will fail.)

I don't quite know why this oddly addictive sport transfixed me during the Turin games. Maybe because it's the only Winter Olympic sport you can play in Dockers. And those "one sticky-one smooth" shoes look like so much easier to move around on than skates.

But there is one thing the game still needs:

Fighting.

That's right, every so often, the two teams need to drop the brooms and go at it WWE-style.

When the team of Tom Arnold, Todd Bridges and Tonya Harding has their first rumble with the trio of Gary Busey, Danny Bonaduce and Omarosa -- you'll see what I mean.

Unsolicited Opinions: Baseball, Bond & Ex-Beatle

2005-10-15T03:10:00.000-04:00

My beloved Phillies are looking for a new GM. There is no shortage of qualified candidates: Gerry Hunsicker, John Hart, Steve Phillips, various members of the Duquette family. Possibly even Brian Cashman. Since the team has had a habit recently of taking Cleveland's leftovers (Jim Thome, David Bell, Charlie Manuel, Kenny Lofton) I'm thinking John Hart might get it. That would be a mistake for the sole reason that the Phillies should stop doing things that they've had a habit of doing recently. They need to follow the George Costanza model of doing the opposite of what they would normally do. If they'd normally hire a guy who used to work in Cleveland -- do the opposite! Many of Ed Wade's moves sounded good at the time -- but then blew-up in his face. So, do the opposite of what Ed would do. Even if it doesn't seem to make any baseball sense. Even if it means letting Billy Wagner walk. Do the opposite!

Whoever the GM is, he will have to decide what to do about the Jim Thome/Ryan Howard situation. But there is an out-of-the-box solution to the problem of two lefthanded sluggers who seemingly cannot play any other position but 1st base. It would take some doing, but the Phillies should immediately begin lobbying the other National League owners to adopt the DH! The player's union would love it. And I don't really think the fans would mind. Some purists would complain, but when you get down to it, fans love more offense. And I'm sick of seeing pitchers looking clueless up there in the batters box, taking ugly hacks. If more pitchers were like Dontrell Willis, and could swing the bat, it would be different. But as it stands, it's time to let the old rules go. The National League is, I believe, the only professional league that does not use the DH for any of its games. It's time all major league teams played by the same rules. And the fact that it would help the Phillies solve a huge problem has nothing to do with my feelings about this.

* * *

Craig, Daniel Craig.

British actor Daniel Craig has been named as the new James Bond, and I think it's the worst thing to happen to the franchise since Herve Villechaize. Most news reports have made a big deal over the fact that he is the first blond actor to take the role. I couldn't give a damn about his hair color. But this guy simply isn't handsome and debonair. You're telling me they couldn't find a more suave looking dude in all of Great Britain? The guy looks like his face was runover by a truck. Remember, Bond is supposed to be the man every woman wants, and every man wants to be. I love my life, but I'd kill to be Sean Connery or Pierce Brosnan just for one day. I'd switch places with Daniel Craig, but only because he's banging Sienna Miller (and you know she's only doing that to get revenge on Jude Law). Don't get me wrong, he's a great actor. No one who saw him play Paul Newman's psychopathic son in "Road to Perdition" could deny that. He's just not James Bond. He'd make a great Bond villain, though.

Craig was not their first choice. Hugh Jackman (the obvious pick, I'd say) turned the role down because his wife didn't want him to do it (sissy). If Craig got the role, I'm guessing choices two-through-457 also said no. And by the way, what's wrong with Pierce Brosnan? He may be 52, but he still looks great. He could've easily played the role for another decade. If they wanted to go younger, I personally would've gone with Christian Bale. He's British. But I'm guessing they didn't even consider him because he's already Batman.

The producers apparently think Craig's rugged look is a plus. They want the new movie to be grittier and more realistic. Director Martin Campbell says he wants less gadgets and more character. Why do they think anyone wants that? If you go see a James Bond movie, you're not looking for realism or a character drama. You're looking for outrageously preposterous stunts, outrageously beautiful women and campy one-liners. The last film, "Die Another Day" had all of that, plus a dude blowing shit up with a laser beam from outerspace. And I believe it was the highest grossing Bond movie yet.

The new film is said to be a faithful adaptation of Ian Fleming's first Bond book, "Casino Royale" which, for licensing reasons, has never been made as a proper Bond movie (there was a forgettable 1967 spoof that used the title, but almost none of the plot). The book is an intriguing espionage tale, but it's very short on action and is, conversely, sickeningly violent. There is a torture scene that, if depicted on film, will have every male member of the audience wincing. Trust me, no one except diehard Bond afficionados wants to see that movie.

(By the way, Quentin Tarantino was begging the producers to let him direct Casino Royale with Pierce Brosnan and Uma Thurman in the lead roles, but was rejected. If you're trying to make your film franchise younger and hipper and Quentin Tarantino is begging to direct, why on Earth would you say no?)

"Casino Royale" is really very short. It might make a good first act for a Bond movie. But then you'd have to come up with another hour's worth of story. And throw-in a guy with a laser beam from outer space. Then you've got something.

All that said, I will reserve final judgement until I actually see the movie. The first publicity photo of Craig in character (wearing the tux, holding the gun) is actually not bad. It might work. But I'm not optimistic.

* * *

Paul McCartney will turn 64 next year and if his new CD is any indication, we will still need him and still feed him when he reaches that age he sang about all those years ago.

"Chaos And Creation In The Backyard" is his best album (and best album title) in ages. It's a well-crafted collection of thoughtful, introspective songs based mainly around accoustic guitar and piano. Macca has always done his best when he's had a strong collaborator to work with. In the early days, of course, it was John. In the late-'80s he did his best work with Elvis Costello. But too often, the people he's surrounded himself with are seemingly too awed by him to tell him his stuff is crap. As a result, his solo work has often felt lazy. This time out, he's working with Radiohead's producer, Nigel Godrich, and McCartney has been quoted as saying Godrich wasn't afraid to tell him his opinion when he heard something he didn't like. Apparently, that's just what Paul needed, because Godrich got the best out of him.

Godrich also encouraged McCartney to play almost all of the instruments himself. And he doesn't just play the traditional guitar, bass, drums and piano. He also plays flugelhorn, and a couple of other unexpected instruments. The first single "Fine Line" is damn catchy, and is as good a song as he's written in years. It's already been used in a car commercial. (You hate to see Sir Paul sell out, but at least the ad is for an environmentally friendly Hybrid car.) "Jenny Wren" will remind a lot of people of "Blackbird". "English Rain" is a nice little "Penny Lane"-style ditty that wouldn't sound out-of-place on Sgt. Pepper. "Friends to Go" is another favorite of mine.

There's a lot to like on the new album, and any fan of Beatles music ought to check it out.

Jessica Simpson's new movie, "Major Movie Star" looks like it will be...
	a) Horrible
	b) Unbearable
	c) The worst movie ever

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